Brave, Strong, Broken

 

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I have loved this quote since I saw it about a year ago... it resonates with me. We're all broken in some way or another, so this may also apply to you!

I've always had a big interest in Psychology and have been pretty "self aware", I guess you would say, most of my life. With that being said, I guess I naïvely thought that I was exempt from a lot of things.

Just because I act strong and can power through work, home, bills, business projects, etc... just because I function highly... does not mean I am not reeling from unsolved issues in my past. Is that true for you?

I have been evaluated a couple of times in the last month, and am now seeing a therapist. I'm glad I realized that something wasn't right. There seems to have been a 'dysthymic' depression lurking for many years, and a larger depressive episode (likely postpartum) has finally brought everything to the surface.

It's weird to think that most things in my life are going well, yet I'm not doing well on the inside. It's a dichotomy I can't seem to wrap my head around. I knew I had been depressed throughout my teens and early 20's because of a traumatic event, but I wrote it off later because I thought it was just me reacting to bad circumstances. I was uninformed. That is not what most depression is.

It is hard for me to write, but I'm seeing more and more statuses and articles floating around about high-functioning depression, HSP (highly sensitive people), and other topics that pertain to what goes on with me. This rising awareness of mental health issues is so very good for society, in an attempt to put stigma at bay... but sometimes it rubs your raw wounds, and hurts.

If you read this far, it's definitely okay to be brave, strong, and broken all at the same time. I urge you to get help if you need it... 

4 Years Later

A few things:

• I haven't journaled or blogged in 4 years; bare with me.
•  I have just been "diagnosed" with a recurring episode of major depressive disorder (clinical depression) and high anxiety. I have not seen a therapist in my life. My first therapy session is in 2 days, and I'm not sure if I am feeling relieved to finally get to go to therapy, or not. I WAS excited, but am now feeling more apprehensive. 
• My mind is being melted with this #MeToo hashtag. 

This is very hard for me to write. I'm so happy others are stepping forward (sooo many others) to speak out against sexual assault. It shows that each person is not alone by any means. But this is coming at a time, for me, where I am really struggling with the fact that I was raped. Click here for my testimony.

Not having ANYONE to turn to 17 years ago--because nobody knew-- I think I've finally reached my threshold of "bottled-up emotion and hurt". I thought I had it under perfect control for at least the last 5 years or so. I thought I had just finally reached a point where it was a non-issue and I could finally put it behind me. I think a trigger may have happened, recently, that I was not aware of.

Now I'm 4 months postpartum, have two kids, and have become a stay at home mom/wife who has become increasingly more of a recluse over the past few years. Now that I look back, I thought I was doing well on the outside... and I was... but I hadn't dealt with the past. I urge you to deal with the past before it comes for you again. For now I have oils and Jesus to help. Thank you, Lord. I want to be in the right state of mind to continue being a good mommy and wife.

Maybe more blogging to come... I'm sure I'll be told to journal.

Five-Minute Friday : SMALL

GO

There are three things that make me feel like a small person in a big, big world: certain places, circumstances and time.  Not "small" in a bad way.  In a "God put you here for a reason" way.  When I experience those places, circumstances and times-- it reminds me of my purpose.  God speaks to my heart.  He's always spoken to me through those three means.  I can count on it every time.  All I have to do is get away and He'll be there!

Some people feel great being "big" or "powerful".  But it's great to be vulnerable and small.  You get to experience people's genuine care for you, and drink that in.  You don't even have to play the victim.  Just care for and love people deeply... and meaningfully.  You will find yourself being cared for and loved deeply as well.  Being like this makes you more susceptible to the enemy's fiery arrows, but that's what our armour is for.  God is fighting for us.  Stand up and be bold-- go ahead and make a difference in people's eternal lives.

STOP

"Rhythm"

 

Five Minute Friday has arrived, yet again!  Hopefully you get the jist by now.  Any blogger writes for 5 minutes-- unedited, free, raw-- on whichever concept that Lisa-Jo Baker (founder of Five Minute Friday) thinks of!  The word is: "Rhythm"...  GO!

I spent the bulk of my elementary years growing up by the ocean in #NewportOregon.  The rhythm of the ocean calms me.  How I wish I could be back there, even if for a few days, just to sit on the beach alone.  To clear my mind, to watch the seagulls eat my McDonalds french fries (LOL), to drive to all of the old places that I remember being at, and so many more things.

Nye Beach at sunset in Newport, Oregon

For now, I am continuing on with the rhythm of my life.  Day in and day out, struggling to get up, go to work, come home, try to have some alone-time, figure out what is for dinner, do some chores and go to bed.  Same thing, over and over again.  Routine is nice sometimes, for such a personality as mine; but I feel like my spirit wants more.  It needs to roam and be free to do the things that it enjoys.  There is freedom in Christ.  I think we, as Christians, forget to do the good things that make us happy.  We are trapped in routine.  There are things that can enrich our souls here on earth to help Christ's beauty shine from the inside, out.  Rhythm and routine are good, but we need to let our spirits step out of the 'box' so that inspiration can take place.

STOP.

Writing about : VIEW

Set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.

1.) Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2.) Link back here and invite others to join in.
3.) And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it... you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

Please give us your best five minutes on the word: VIEW
______________________________________________________________

My view on people is always naturally 'good'.  I give everyone who deserves a second chance, a second chance.  I act interested in what people are saying when I really might not be interested.  I smile and nod as you talk about yourself even when I am reeling inside from my own problems and issues.

I DO ALL OF THIS OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU.

Even if you have not particularly earned my undivided attention and care, you have it.  God gave me this 'view' on others.  To treat them equally.  No matter what the problems, the sin, the issues, the good or the bad... I genuinely care.  Even if I am struggling so hard to care for you, the care is still there.  I may have swung and missed in this area a few times in my past.  I grew into this.  It was fun to see the change.  People who know me have seen this change.

I know there are people who will love me NO MATTER WHAT... just as I love them.  That nearly unconditional love from friends and family is something amazing.  I just wish that some other people that I love would at least act as if they cared for me that much.  It's a big wish.  Someday when we are all in our eternal home, it will happen.  Love, requited, all around.  Until that day... here is a concept to be attentive to and practice within our lives.  No matter what our faith is, let us all put this into effect while we are still here:

"How would your life be different of you stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day you look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey"

-Steve Maraboli

Five-Minute Friday | FRIEND |

The #5MF topic this week is FRIEND.  Lisa-Jo (the creator of Five-Minute Friday) said: "Let’s spend our five minutes of writing today sharing about friendship. Fight it, love it, hate it, hurt or healed by it, we were certainly built for it".  I am mainly a positive person to others, but I am a true introvert.  This is actually an area where I feel I have been hurt way too much; to the core.  It's only God who has taken me out from wallowing in my hurt feelings, though.

From 13 to about 21 years of age-- I can truly say that I had been hurt so many times in so many ways, that I just sat in self-pity and nearly died there.  Everyone who knew me saw it, and it just drove people further away.  I was so selfish, yet I still cared so much for others.  That is one dichotomy that I cannot explain, yet I experienced it for so long in my heart.  I was growing, but I could not grow out of my hurt.  Once I chose to be a little more selfless about reacting to how I felt; my heartache started to subside.  I am, by no means, cured of my heartache.  But I can rise above the hurt by attempting to fulfill my calling and just focusing on more positive things in general.

So basically, God has been my friend throughout my existence!  From when I was little and had accepted him with my whole heart, to now.  He's never left me (even when I feel distant from Him), so I deem Him my only true friend.  "Friends" will come and go... maybe they will stick around.  But there is One who will not change.

On My Mind...

I am being encouraged by:

•  A friend who probably does not know how emotionally encouraging her blogging is...   

Alyse Morrissey

•  Another friend who is very steadfast in blogging about reality as it pertains to life and faith (and everything in between)...  

Jacqui Bennett

• The Bible Series on TV (I know, it's got some inaccuracies, and it is theatrical. But I am learning a lot)

In the midst of a hard time for me-- smack dab in a situation with no 'right' decision to make, except the decision to look out for myself--  I have just one, good, overwhelming thought throughout this hardship.  My mind is inundated by this one thing.

I would just love to be Simon. 

That bystander who was taken out of the crowd to help Jesus carry the cross.  I know it would be hard work.  Maybe he got some strikes and lashes along the way.  I understand.

But I can do that already.  I can help others bear their burdens.  Showing God's love to others is one simple thing I can do to fulfill this desire to serve.  I can empathize, sympathize, cry when others are crying, laugh when others are laughing.  God made me this unique, emotional, human version of Himself to do just that.  Just being there for another soul is fulfilling my purpose. I realize now that my earthly weakness of caring 'too much' is my spiritual strength.  That took me 25 years to figure out.

 

Luke 23:26

Now as they led Him away, they laid hold of a certain man, Simon a Cyrenian, who was coming from the country, and on him they laid the cross that he might bear [it] after Jesus.