[In a note dated October 7th 2008]
I just got done watching a TV show that sparked in me the desire to share my testimony-- in how I came to who I am in Christ. I've shared this story with my trusted friends and a handful of acquaintances on different occasions, but now is the time (finally) that I feel I should show this to the rest of the world. I was too scared of the shock factor for those closest to me, but I am not ashamed. Now's the time.
A few days before my 13th birthday, something happened to me that no one should really have to experience. I prefer not to disclose anything, but the experience was that which threw me into hell on earth.
I hadn’t been surrounded by the best of friends at that time in middle school, and there were a plethora of opportunities for kids my age to do anything that they wanted to do. Especially me. In a horrible sense of worthlessness, I had in me the desire to escape everything. There were so many gateways to a lifestyle that was foreign to me, and I must have willingly stepped through that door at some unknown time. I attended parties… and had access to anything that I laid eyes on. Everyone was older than me by a few years or more, and they pushed different substances on me. They wouldn’t let me leave until I tried something new every time. But it was my choice. By the time I was newly 13, I had tried almost everything. My choices of drugs were opiates, pills, meth and alcohol. I got to smoking even a pack of cigarettes a day.
Constantly in a haze, I don’t know how I finished middle school. I stopped going to the parties and to my friend’s house-- and started going off on my own to escape. Alone, I would take anywhere from 2-5 substances at a time so I could black myself out; a sad suicide attempt each time. I guess I didn’t want to have to feel anything… now that I look back on it. Unfortunately, isolating myself with all of these drugs at my disposal was not even near the safest thing for me to choose to do. I was severely addicted to everything there was, and was spiraling into a huge depression.
One night, at the age of 14, I remember that my mom and sister were both out of the apartment. I don’t know the extent of what I consumed that night, but it was the most of anything that I had ever taken. I fell asleep worrying if I would wake up. Soon after I feel asleep, I awoke to a sound like that of hands running down my window outside. The sound startled me awake, so I fell out of my bed and to the best of my knowledge—in sheer darkness—tried to find my way to the window to see what was there. I remember in my struggle to move, I couldn’t lift my face up off of the floor. I would try to stand up, but it felt like my face was planted in the ground. After taking a while to find my way, the noise still remained as I approached my window. I got there… opened the blinds… it stopped. There was no one there, and no one around.
I remember stumbling around to find my bed again. Groping the floor to find my bedpost, I could not lift my face off of the ground! There was absolutely NO source of light anywhere; my room and the hall was completely black. Still, with no one around, I continued for my bed. At once I was able to lift my head up… in the corner of my room, out of the darkness, there was a pillar of light. It wasn’t a ‘being’ or a lamp or anything… it wasn’t supposed to be there. Scared I cried out, “God, help me. Help me” so many times.
I awoke in the morning to having blacked out on my floor. That night was bizarre, thinking back on it… but when I woke up I never abused those substances again. Yes, I went through some withdrawal symptoms but God had heard my cry and spared me from more destruction. I never went to AA/NA meetings, counseling, etc. I had God, He did this for me. Even in the whole 2 years of consuming addiction, I remember that I talked with God whenever I did anything. I would be by myself, do whatever I was doing, and pray… talking to God. I had a relationship with Him the whole time. Tied in with all of that addiction, I was also anorexic throughout my teen and early adult years. He saw me in my despair and chose to pull me out from what I feared most… a destructive life. I knew I had some sort of purpose I needed to find.
It has been 7 years now since He took that from me. 7… the number of completion. My testimony shows me something new just about every time I recount it. Right now I just see so many people struggle with so many different issues. I hope reading this helps those in dire emotional need; knowing that there's others who have suffered at Satan's grasp. To this day, temptations pop up here and there. Choosing in my mind not to sin is the hardest choice I have ever faced. Believers aren’t exempt from the trials of life that come, I feel that we are more prone to be faced with temptation leading to sin. God never promised that anything here in this life would be easy. With being sober for so long, I am telling you… nothing’s easy. Nothing at all.
I find comfort and grace and mercy in the Mighty One who saved me from self-destruction. A newer concept to me is my freedom in Christ. I cannot even attempt to sell you God… but I hope that hearing my first-hand story (if you haven’t already experienced God in any way) would make you consider that we have a Creator who has the best things in mind for each of us. For those of you who are already in relation with God, let this story be some push for you—to continue to use wisdom and discretion when dealing with temptation, and even trials. Well, the end!